By Dr. Stephanie Boyce
When it comes to how students show up and behave in schools, there is an age-old saying amongst educators, “It all starts at home!” That is to say, how students behave when they enter into the hallways of schools is greatly dependent upon the values and behaviors that have been learned and allowed within the ecosystem of their homes. In generations past, an authoritarian approach to rearing children was valued and accepted above all else, and thus our schools were mirrors of that shared value. For that reason, it was the expectation of adults that children would unilaterally accept rules, punishments, and strict boundaries at the exclusion of the children’s understanding, inquiry, or critical thinking. In this dynamic, adults were allowed the freedom to do with children what they deemed best, from the most minor decisions like what to wear for the day, to the most extreme decisions like administering corporal punishment.
The term adultism coined by psychologist Jack Flasher in 1978 is defined as the systemic discrimination and prejudice faced by children and young people based on their age. The concept was used to highlight how societal structures often prioritize adult perspectives and authority while marginalizing the voices and experiences of younger individuals. In an effort to turn a spotlight on the social and emotional growth of children, we have seen the popularity of more reflective approaches to child rearing that both center the needs and voices of children and give them autonomy in the decision-making processes that impact their lives.
One such approach is gentle parenting. According to parenting coach Danielle Sullivan, “Gentle parenting, also known as collaborative parenting, is a style of parenting where parents do not compel children to behave by means of punishment or control, but rather use connection, communication, and other democratic methods to make decisions together as a family.” Despite the confusion of some people that conflate gentle parenting and permissive parenting (see graphic below), gentle parenting is not meant to be a free for all where children behave without consequences for their actions.
Yet, resistance to gentler approaches to raising children seems to be especially frowned upon by older generations. One such example radiated from the pulpit of the globally-renowned Senior Pastor of The Potter’s House, Bishop T.D. Jakes who admonished his congregants against gentle parenting. According to Jakes, “You have gentle parenting, [but] you can’t have a gentle life. And you’re putting our kids, who only respond to gentleness, but life is not always gentle… So we give our children a false sense of tranquility and reality, and then when they go out into the real world, they find out if you don’t work you don’t eat… it’s because you’ve been parented so gently.” Such leaps in logic are prevalent amongst older generations, who clearly valued authoritarian, survival-based approaches to raising their children. However, many modern-day parents are looking at the possibility of doing things differently.
This is especially true for younger Black parents who are becoming more mindful of the historical implications of physical abuse to Black bodies and the silencing of Black voices as inter-generational trauma. As they remove the stigma of therapy and mental healthcare by unpacking the effects of their own childhood traumas in adulthood, many have come to connect the roles parenting practices play in upholding systems of oppression. In the midst of such cultural shifting it’s only natural that younger generations are looking for enlightened ways to approach child rearing.
But are these gentler approaches being deployed in homes making things easier or harder for teachers, when students are outside of their own homes and under the care of other authority figures? In a recent social media survey, educators seemed to be split when asked this question. Not coincidentally, it appeared that many of the older respondents believed gentle parenting is making behavior worse in schools, while some of the younger educators, like Alexandria Floyd-Marino, explained “Students who truly [experience] gentle parenting, not just baby[ing] them and calling it gentle parenting, are some of the most outgoing socially (willing to be creative and experiment)…they are respectful and accept consequences for their actions & they learn!” Despite their perception of how gentle parenting may impact the behavior of children, as more of these students cycle into the school systems yearly, there are two primary challenges educators can prepare to navigate:
1. Authority and Compliance
Because many students who experience gentle parenting may be allowed to vocalize their ideas and questions about decisions made on their behalf, some authoritarian educators may find it frustrating explaining to a student why they have to do a certain thing a particular way, or accepting feedback for new ways to approach activities or routines in schools. For this potential challenge, many educators have started utilizing more collaborative means of curating classroom environments that center students and their values. For example, instead of a teacher rolling out his or her “10 Rules for this Class” list on the first day of school while students sit silently and listen to a lecture of what will and wont be acceptable, many teachers now work through crafting classroom expectations as a group activity on the first day of class. This approach gives students a voice in shaping the classroom—a shared space for teaching and learning—by allowing them to express how they want it to feel and function. Students also take part in discussions about the consequences of violating agreed-upon rules. When students are included in creating and agreeing on shared values, educators can expect greater student buy-in and autonomy in the classroom.
2. Emotional Processing
Another potential challenge comes with students that have been allowed space and grace to actually feel and process their emotions, as opposed to being threatened or forced to suppress emotional expression on demand. For example, let’s say two students are arguing over a toy and one student ends up visibly angry. For a child that has been allowed space to both express and process emotions at home, it may be quite annoying for an educator to allow for such a thing to transpire in that moment. However, many cutting-edge schools are now transforming spaces in classrooms that previously may have been used for punitive reasons like “time out” to “calming corners” where students can opt in to regulate their emotions in moments like the one described above. The Nebraska Department of Education describes a calm corner as “A safe designated space where children can regulate their emotions and provide an opportunity and an outlet for the chance to calm themselves down.” This practice is aligned to and supportive of the goal of encouraging a child to take a second to feel, process, and self-regulate when they are experiencing big feelings.
When implemented mindfully, gentle parenting could be a parenting approach that allows children to enter into schools with the tools necessary to self-regulate, communicate, and be kinder to others, as they feel seen and validated from their world view. And while this is a wonderful goal to have in theory, only time and the longitudinal data collected on the younger generations of students will reveal to us just how this social experiment turns out and the impact of all this gentleness on schools and student outcomes in the future.
This article is brought to you in partnership with Chan Zuckerberg Initiative and Word In Black News.
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